Why did I decide to start this blog?

The process of actually starting my own blog was not the easiest decision to make. As someone who has actually blogged for Student Minds for the past couple of years, won Blogger of the Year and has amazingly become Editor for the blog I still didnt feel ready.

I felt very vulnerable, like starting my own blog, would be far more personal, the fears I felt when I first started blogging emerged. Would people find my blog? Would people judge me? Why is what I have to say important? Am I embarrassing myself? Would people laugh at me? Honestly, sharing my story and personal experiences of mental health has not been easy, but I would never change it.

So perhaps moving on to my own blog was the next step. So I had to put my anxieties aside, bite the bullet and actually do it. I had promised myself for a while that I would start up a personal blog on completion of my degree. My degree was done, I was in limbo before starting a new job. What could be a better time hey?

As a big advocate for campaigning for mental health and reducing stigma despite being so scared to talk about my story (I still am to a large extent) I made the step, I wanted my story to be able to help others. Frequently reading blog posts on mental health and keeping up to date with mental health news made me realise that I could make a difference alongside all those inspirational people.

I wanted to turn my experience of depression and self harm into a positive and help people. I believe storytelling has been a great help to my mental health journey; putting my struggles into words has helped me deeply assess what I have experienced and thus how far I have really come. I wanted to do what others have done in the hope that perhaps one of my blogs could help someone who is feeling similar or is at a similar point in their lives. Not everyone knows someone who is experiencing it and there is nothing more powerful than reading someone else's words and thinking I am not alone.

As someone who has experienced the ups and downs of university I also wanted to share my honest journey through uni, that is often just portrayed as 'the best time of your life'. I believe this took a huge toll on my wellbeing and I think people should talk honestly (if you have any uni related questions I would be honoured to answer them).

I could not be prouder of where I have come and the amazing feedback and positive responses I have received since starting this blog. These differences have made it all worth it.

Can you think of any ways to ease my anxieties to sharing my own story? Do you feel a smiliar way?

Self Harm Awareness

400 in every 100,000 people have been found to harm themselves (Mental Health Foundation). However, I believe this to be one of the biggest taboos of mental health. Why don’t we talk about it when it affects so many people?

It can be very hard to understand why someone causes physical harm to themselves. I even find it difficult to comprehend as someone who has experienced self-harm. It’s hard to explain that I was mentally hurting so much that hurting myself physically seemed like the only way to ‘cope’. Yes, I feel embarrassed and ashamed about it, it is not something I am proud of and of course I wish that I didn’t develop this ‘coping strategy’.

However, despite the extent of being ashamed of myself I am more scared of what other people may think, will people still think of me in the same way when they find this out? Will I lose friends? Will people call me an attention seeker? People judging me is 110% the thing I am scared of the most, and my stomach is in knots just writing this, let alone posting it. However, I do know that I don’t do this for attention; it is a very private thing that I have barely told anyone; even some of the people I love the most and am the closest to were unaware.

As someone who advocates talking and raising awareness of mental health it’s still something that I wouldn’t have even dreamed about discussing. However, I promised myself this year that I would make an effort to raise awareness of mental health. Therefore, I need to be open with everyone.

There are a lot of stereotypes around self harm, and some people may have a stereotype in their head of the kind of person that self injures…but this is exactly what it is, a stereotype. Do I fit the category of looking like someone who would self injure? No, because self injury can affect anyone no matter of their background or circumstances. Self injury affects more people than anyone realises, and there's isn't a one size fits all with this or any mental health condition.

I find it extremely hard to talk about and almost all the people I know were not aware of my experience with this, but I believe I need to help break down the taboo that surrounds self harm; how can I expect my friends and family to be able to understand and support me when I can’t even talk about it myself?

People may question why would someone who has amazing friends and family, is doing well at university, and has a good social life, feel so negatively towards herself that she has to damage her body? You may think, how will this even help? Isn’t that just a stupid thing to do? It’s understandable that these questions arise, but they aren’t the best ones to ask.

I don’t even understand myself why I felt the need to self harm and why even several years after I started I still struggle with it, but what I do know is that having people around me who love and support me is something that will always help.

However, sadly it took me years to finally seek help for something I had been doing for many years, due to the fear of being judged and what people might say. Honestly, it’s been hard and the people who I have told have found it very upsetting and difficult to come to terms with. From my personal experience one bit of advice I could give anyone who is supporting someone who experiences self harm is - please remember to look after yourself as well, admitting when it gets too much is something that your friend will be able to appreciate but please never turn your back on them, they need your support more than you know.

Despite a few bad experiences, happily with the right support; opening up to a friend, having someone’s support who had been there themselves, having the best mum in the world, having regular GP appointments, being on the right medication and receiving counselling, I can honestly say it was worth opening up and seeking help. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and if you are someone who is struggling or know someone who is struggling please support them and urge them to seek help.

 I don’t want others to hold the burden of “the taboo of self-harm” and feel the need to keep it a secret like I once did.

Self-harm isn't widely discussed in society let alone in the student population. Raising awareness about self injury is incredibly important- awareness leads to understanding and empathy, banishing judgement and fear, and reducing the number of people who feel alone and suffer in silence. Raising awareness is about educating people who do not self injure and reaching out to people who do.

The Importance of Not Burning Yourself Out

Despite often having very bad days, one of my biggest goals has been to not let other people realise this. People’s perceptions of me are something that I worry about often; do they like me? Will they think that I am weird? Am I boring? I really do care too much about what people think.

This has led to me appearing to be happy, confident and always ready for a good time. This could not be more wrong! Sitting in a lecture recently I was discussing being nervous about working with no one I knew and how I felt scared meeting them for the first time. My friend turned to me and said “REALLY?!?! You always seem so confident, I can’t imagine that” and then she paused and said “or you are just really good at appearing that way”. 

This really made it feel real to me; I have put on a show for so long. Sometimes this does work in my favour; it allows me to appear externally to be a happy, friendly, confident, fun person. However, eventually this can often get too much leading me to burn out. 

There is only so long you can pretend that everything is ok when it is not. As someone who has spent years keeping up this act it can be very hard. I am generally a happy, fun, loud, energetic person, but there are days when I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning. I question my existence and constantly worry about everything I have said and done. 

I am slowly beginning to learn that this is a part of who I am and I think this worry will always be present and yes I will have bad days but you know what, this is ok. It is very hard for me to admit to myself that I am struggling, let alone to the people I know and love, but hopefully one day I will be able to be more honest with myself. 

What I have learnt recently is that people understand and would rather I admitted I was having a bad day, instead of feeling the need to put on an act. I am realising in the long run this is also better for me as I can take it easy and have a few days to help myself, before I start burning out.


Here are a few things I am slowly learning are ok:

• It is ok to say no; you don’t have to attend every social event you are invited to, you don’t always have to do what others expect, if you aren’t up to going or don’t want to go then you don’t have to.
• A day in bed is okay; self-care is key, snuggling up with a cuppa and a movie or a good book is allowed, it does not make you lazy. We all need to recharge our batteries. 
• You don’t have to be happy 24/7; in fact I’ll let you into a secret no one really is. It’s completely normal to have bad days.